.Awakening.

Entrenched, embodied by the subsiding waves,
Though shallow they may be, alongside life's winding control
They can cut deeply and are heart-wrenching knaves
And yet, here I lie, breathing fast and burning supple.

My words make no sense, reverberate around a point
Just as every other artist tries to sound like complacency
And every man is fighting, despite old and creaking joint
Because all their lives they've had to wait, you see?

The power of my voice you say, is really quite allure
Just as I'm sure the rest of me is all you dream about
Fire burns down my throat in the form of liqueur
I don't want to go home, my map of life is on another route.

Complications filter through the light on the door
The fire roars in my ears, another sign of thrashing
I make no sense you say, as you fall through the floor
And I find myself smiling as I begin crashing.

The house I once thought was home is no more
The fate of humanity lies in the hands of their own
As I drown my thoughts in the power of liqueur
Lie thee down, the seeds have now been sown.

Insomnia halts the process of my array
Sleepwalking the dead is beneath the broken bed
Fight the essence of evil to see the light of day
And find out how much blood you have shed.

Power overwhelms me in a sheath of stupor
Darkness is falling upon me as I fall thrashing
I drown myself in the lies of liqueur
And I laugh as I never stop crashing.

Suppose he was there, just waiting for you?
Suppose he wanted you to see, he spoke the truth?
Maybe he wished for you to look between the lines?
Even though he realized you'd been hurt so many times?

He wants you to have the world at your feet.
He wants you to be happy and to feel complete.
He wishes you had everything you ever desired.
He understands you're in pain and you're tired.

He wills you to keep going, take it step by step.
He can see ahead, he knows there isn't much left.
He encourages you to push just a little harder.
He's seen you make it before, faster and farther.

He sees you're exhausted, and beyond any hope.
He will be there to help you, he knows you can cope.
So believe in him now, keep strong in your faith.
And always remember, you are wonderfully made.
 

She was running away from what was important in her life. Trying to believe that everything she had wasn't what she needed. Thought she could find it somewhere else. Searched everywhere. It became an obsession, something to chase forever...eternally. This was the way she continued to live out her life. Searching for something that was already destroyed. Her soul became dark and her fears became real. She couldn't find the escape she was desperately trying to reach. Then, something happened. She fell in love. Not the false love that takes seconds to destroy. The everlasting, patient, beautiful, pure love that she had been desiring so badly.

She fell in love with her friends. With her family. With her life. With herself.
This love grew, it stretched, it expanded beyond her wildest dreams.
Instead of finding betrayal, she discovered loyalty.
Instead of pain, she found joy.
Instead of tears, she found smiles.
Instead of desperation, she found salvation.

All because of one simple act of courage.
One friend.
A few words spoken.
And a miracle occurred in an otherwise futile situation.

This friend's devotion to love tore at her heart and made her laugh despite the obstacles.
And for that, she is eternally grateful.

It wasn't heartache anymore. It wasn't a mistake.
She was finding the faith that she had needed so long ago.
And it was the best thing that ever happened to her.

Though she had to find it out because of things she had to go through, she still was grateful.
Because it led her out of her path of despair.
She could smile again. Could laugh again. Could sing again.
She found the courage to finally come out and be beautiful without looking the part.
One dirty, forlorn, twisted, dark individual that was brought to the light.
And for that, she smiles.
Because her life is hers again. To make her own.
No one can stand in her way. At least for the time being.

Hours ago, I stood, on the wall of despair. Watching the waves of sadness crash over and over again.
One friend.
A few words.
And a miracle that occurred in my own heart.

As much as it hurt, and as much as it destroyed, it rebuilt me into something new. Something beautiful.
Something that is beneath the surface.
Something that shines whether I laugh or cry.
No matter how far my life had taken me before, I now stand for the present. I move on from the past. I respect the future.

I have found an escape.
And for that, I am eternally grateful.
Tonight, on my roof, I found my lighted way. My guided path.
And for that I radiate joy. And love.
I want to be a vessel of faith.
One who cannot be steered in the wrong direction.
I must be sturdy and stand up against those waves that crash over and over again.
Because, on the other side, waits the sunset. Waits the beauty. Waits the love that I have searched for.
All because of one friend.
A few words.
And for that... I am eternally grateful.

Always.
As brightly as the stars shined in the sky,
A tear glimmered from her cheek as she cried,
Cried with the pain only her heart could know,
And put only in words that could never be shown.

She knelt to the damp ground upon her feet,
And cried out to the heavens in her defeat,
She screamed her torture to all who could hear,
As she lived out her life in darkness and fear.

And as the tears fell in silence upon the ground,
She turned from where she sat, hearing a sound,
She looked up to the sky, a single star flying,
In all its brightness, it came when it heard her crying.

The star touched the earth and rested its light glow,
Then it gently reached over and stroked her cheek, just so.
It encompassed her body and lifted her into the air,
A maiden turned so dark, when she should be fair.

The light filled all her corners, reached all the pain,
It dried off her tears and cleaned off the rain,
Its magical brush, the whisper of a gentle hand,
Then, it set her back down, and allowed her to stand.

It created a path to the edge of a crystal clear lake,
And drew her to gaze upon what it wanted to take,
Erasing the lines of something that had been a void,
Erasing and taking away, until it all was destroyed.

Then it began painting, a portrait of someone new,
And when it finished, the light stayed, though away it flew,
The new creation blinked down at what had been made,
And no matter how she moved, no matter how she turned,
The light stayed.

She stood up and gazed up at the night sky,
None stirred, though she knew one did fly,
She looked down at the water, at the new her,
And instead of darkness, her path was sure.

The light unfailingly stayed by her side,
And would continue to do so until the day that she died,
Then it would travel with her through time,
To reach the heavens, through a glorious climb.

And when it reached the gates, they opened up wide,
The voice of God saying, Come Child, walk inside,
And as she and her star walked amongst the glory,
She would forever in eternity tell them this story.

Friday night, the stars paint pictures in the sky,
So beautiful, something all the money in the world couldn't buy
A voice resounds in laughter, the silence breaks
The best friends, with a bond that no earth will take.

He smiles in content, his silly grin on his face,
As she protests that she so definitely won the race,
They both sit down panting, completely out of breath,
Her loud exclamation heard, she would fight to the death.

He turns his face around and sticks his tongue out,
She bursts into laughter as it echoes about,
Sighs in resignation, she rolls to her side,
He rolls around too and stares in her eyes.

A quick smile and a wink is all it takes,
Her heart begins to quicken and starts to race,
She becomes confused, uncertain why this was so,
It was just her best friend, the one she had forever known.

And best friends they were, from dawn to dusk,
Him loving her more every time she messed up,
Her forgiveness eternal each time he fell through,
And their bond unbreakable, that they both knew.






 

Warm sunny days, candlelit nights,
Ring around the rosy and christmas lights,
Campfire glow and the smell of vanilla,
Spicy cologne and the sound of forever.

Glittering moonlight reflected on water,
Geese flying south, a dad with his daughter,
Laughter ensues, a smile captured in a second,
Hair flying back, running towards what beckoned.

A dad with his daughter, dancing tonight,
At a wedding, the music soft and just right,
A feeling of security, and a love attained,
A dad with his daughter, no joy uncontained.

A little lady, sitting in a church pew with a smile,
Dress spread out, feet tucked under her a while,
Sitting next to her daddy, feeling important and big,
Though she didn't understand a word of what was said.

A growing young woman, lips pursed, tapping her foot,
Waiting for her dad to say she didn't have to stay put,
Her eyes pleaded with him, dad please let me go,
He sighed and watched her walk off with another boy.

Sitting in her room, closing her ears to the fighting,
Screaming out her heart in her words, in her writing,
She was daddy's girl, she had always been his daughter,
But now her mom was crying, all because of her father.

Sitting the young woman down on the chair,
Her daddy sighed and told her what he had to share,
He was leaving them, he wasn't coming back,
She sat in stony silence, unable to believe that.

A dad left his daughter, alone in the world that was hers,
With no example to share, and nothing to learn,
She went to other boys, hoping to find that love lost,
That her daddy had taken, he didn't realize the cost.

Now she sat, in unbearable agony,
Here a story, turning from happy to a tragedy,
Her innocence was stripped, virginity taken,
All because her daddy left her forsaken.

Now she lives on, the little girl replaced,
A young woman wearing a mask, a different face,
Her broken heart was taped back together,
A dad and his daughter, never again to be forever.
 

~October 1st, 2009~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwcqlWTvsIc&feature=related [[song]]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3YAZqfNh2E&feature=PlayList&p=50FE5DF168E3DF1C&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=55 [[video]]

I guess I'm beginning to realize a lot more then I wish I knew. Today, I found out just how shadowed and hidden we are in our little lives. You just start thinking about amazing feats that have been accomplished, discoveries that have been found, and the people that have lived in our world. And you wonder why you feel so insignificant. I thought about the things I usually consider important to me. And honestly, my priorities have become quite dead. As a teenager, I guess I wished I would have the maturity to overcome the sport of high school. But it hasn't happened that way. Boys had become imperative in my life. Grades were losing their importance. Drama was all that I was able to concentrate on. And today, with Alex, I figured out just how wrong I was on love. This boy, this one boy. Made me laugh. Made me smile. Made me cry. Made me sing. Made me love myself. Made me love others. Gave me my first kiss. Taught me what happiness really was. Taught me how to be sad. He taught me so many things. And he came back today. My memories flooded my mind. The little voice in my head said maybe it wasn't the best idea. Because now, I'm caught between the trap. Do I continue to sneak around with this guy my parents judge entirely by appearance? Or do I tell my parents and deal with the consequences that come? I don't want to tell them. Because I realized how much we judge. Entirely by first impression. And that saddens me. Because when it comes to a matter of love or not getting into trouble, I'm pretty sure I'd choose not getting into trouble. So I just miss out on love. It makes a person think. How are we going to deal with situations where we could miss out on LIFE. Just pure life. We miss out on it because the choices and decisions others make before we do bases their decision of whether or not to let us do whatever. For example, our parents. If they decide they want to live life vicariously through their own children. Well, they aren't going to let their children do anything that got themselves personally in trouble. What they don't realize is that it's an entirely different situation nowadays. Kids have to take responsibility for their actions. We are forced to. And yet, how are we going to learn how to take responsibility if we are never allowed to experience those times? If we are held back because of a mistake our parents made way back when, then we don't fully grow and learn from the experience. It makes a person think.

~October 2nd, 2009~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uK_E7xS7AtQ&feature=related [[song]]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHwgmz3kKyM&feature=related [[video]]

Today, I discovered just how much I love sunshine. How it warms your face, it lightens your heart, it gladdens a soul. Just laying there in the sun today, I started thinking about my future. And I found out just how scared I really am for it. I don't know if I will be able to get into the college I want. I don't know what I want to be yet. I want to take a year off and travel, but will I have the money and time for that? I'm frightened for senior year as well. I don't know, I just hate to think of all the people I will be leaving behind. I feel like I've grown up so fast. It's come by like lightning. At the time it seemed slow...and now it just went by too fast. I just don't understand this feeling. I don't want to leave behind what I know and love. But I also want to get away. It's a very lonely feeling. You begin to realize just how many friends and people you love that you will have to leave behind. And some of them you will end up losing touch with. The sad truth is this: you grow up. And you move forward. From now on, it's going to go by so fast. We'll get into college, but things there will go fast too. Then we are adults. It scares me so much. I just don't know if I'm ready for that. As much as I want to get away, I don't want to leave. I want to stay a kid. I don't want to deal with the real world all the time. But as an adult, you are forced to most of the time. You have moments, but usually it's all just responsibility and serious problems to deal with. And I just don't want that. I don't know who I'm going to grow up to be, and I'm not sure I want to know. The other thing is seeing friends grow up. They change and you don't know who they are anymore. And that scares me. The more I lose touch with them, the more they will change and distance from me. And I'm already seeing some of that drifting away. I just can't see my best friends as adults, not yet. I don't want to. It scares me, our lives are going to be so different. The change is wonderful, I love it, but I'm just scared. Life is so short, who knows what could happen in the future. I was at Columbine today, and I visited the memorial. It made me cry, and I never cry. Just seeing all those young lives that never got to experience what they wanted out of life. One girl was beautiful and wanted to go on to be a missionary, she was truly a strong Christian. Another boy wanted to fly planes in Airforce, fight for the country we live in. I realized that these are kids. Our age. That died. They will never get to see the rest of their lives. And I begin to wonder is this really where I'm headed? I feel like my life is going to be short. Not like I will die tomorrow. But I won't say I will live to a long old age. I feel like my life may be drifting away even as I write these words. That perhaps one day, I won't be here. And I won't see everything I want to see. And that slightly scares me. It's change. And it's coming fast. I want to live for others. One single act of kindness can change the world. It starts a ripple effect all over. One act of kindness can change millions of lives. And I want to see that happen. But I'm afraid of not living long enough for that. I want to make such a difference in the world. And I'm afraid it won't happen. Those kids in Columbine were ready for their lives. And they never got to see it. They made such a difference in their worlds. It makes me wonder just how much of a difference I have made in mine.

~October 3rd, 2009~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQn2miLxtss&feature=related [[music]]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0i9NUubHsTI [[video]]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCNTOQvBFVw&feature=fvw [[video]]

Today, I lose myself in pure thought. Of a world that we will be living in soon. I wish to continue this from yesterday's entry, just because it's on my mind still. And I can't shake it. This burning dream of mine. The difference I want to make in the world. People need to come alive, just wake up from the dead lives they are living. They need to LIVE. They aren't hearing the music they need to be listening to. Life is SO temporary. Then we go on to something better. So while we are here, we need to LIVE. We need to STRIVE. We need to work to better the world around us and in us. I just wish I knew where to start. You know, I wonder what one teenage girl can do to better an entire world of people. And I have ideas. But they aren't ones I follow through on. So I wonder what purpose I'm placed on this earth for. What on earth could be my speciality, my expertise? I don't know. I know I have many talents. But none of them are GREAT enough for this world. I wish I knew what direction to start move into. As scared as I am of change, I know I have to start thinking about the rest of my life. And I don't know what to do with the rest of my life. I know I want to make a difference. I want to be remembered when I die. But not because I want people to pity it. I want them to be inspired through the changes I made. I just want to KNOW what changes to make in my life now. What do I do, where do I go, what do I say? And what do I have that can support me and help me during that time? Do I want to be a missionary and go to far off places and minister God's word? Do I stay here and be a counselor to those who are hurting and depressed? I went through the same thing, does that give me the right to give advice to those whose situations I"m not a part of? Do I just travel and see the world and decide after that? What on earth, where on earth, do I do, do I go, why do I do it? I wish I knew these answers, they are just ravaging my mind, tearing me apart from the inside out. I'm so scared of change that it's invading my whole thought process. Which is frustrating but also understandable. I just don't know. Do I try and grow up now? Do I squeeze all my youth out of me before I leave? Do I start the changes now? Do I stay as innocent as possible now? Do I try and make the differences now or do I wait? All these questions. So little time...

As she walked down the street, a tear fell,
Slid down her cheek, splashed onto the ground,
Her heart was broken, couldn't be fixed,
What she doesn't know is that she was lost.
But she has always been found.

The little boy stared out his window,
Into the dreary cold, rain-filled night,
His daddy was gone, never to come back,
He bowed his head, thinking he was to blame,
But he was actually a light.

She stripped off the dress she had used,
That night she cried herself to sleep in guilt,
Overcome with the need to get some money,
She had taken the job she thought was evil,
But she just didn't know why she had been built.

The old man stared up at the cross,
His knees bent underneath his trembling frame,
His hands were crossed out in front of him,
He had done so much wrong,
But he was loved the same.

However much it was a mistake,
However much the tears fell to the ground in shame,
However much you wish you could take it all back,
God will always love you the same.

The mom fell to her knees in exhaustion,
Not knowing how she could take this once more,
A single parent, deserted by the man she had loved,
And unable to help her child now,
But on her brow, healing water He will pour.

Leaning against the dark brick red wall,
He blew on his hands, cold to the bone,
Crouched over in an alleyway with trash,
Wishing he had not run away from life,
But he was going to be coming home.

However much it was a mistake,
However much the tears fell to the ground in shame,
However much you wish you could take it all back,
God will always love you the same.

A glance was all it took to capture my heart.
Your charming smile kidnapped me the start.
In a crowd of people, a sea of faces.
You were different, in all the right places.

Your eyes held the warmth of a best friends hug.
Your words held the happiness of true love.

Your laugh has the same notes as the joy of a child.
The touch of your skin on my neck drives me wild.

You make me so nervous, I don't know what to do.
But I feel myself wishing for more, I think I'm falling for you.

The music in your words plays a melody so sweet.
Take my hand, lets dance.
I'll fall in your arms, you take the lead.
Place your hands in mine.
The perfect fit.
Take the lead let's dance away into the sunset.

As I close my eyes I can sense you here.
My hearts in your hands as you wipe away my tears.

I live in a world of a million people, never to see them again.
Yet I only wanted you, for reasons I will never comprehend.

The music in your words plays a melody so sweet.
Take my hand, lets dance.
I'll fall in your arms, you take the lead.
Place your hands in mine.
The perfect fit.
Take the lead let's dance into the sunset.

And I only wanted you.
For reasons I will never comprehend.
The music in your words plays a melody so sweet.
I'll fall in your arms, you take the lead.